Ayahuasca : Dancing beyond lifes veil with ancient tools

I lost my mind today … it was terrifying. It was incredible.

Although I run ceremonies nearly every weekend, I seldom get the chance to actually go in deep and do my own work with this special teacher. Although I have been drinking when I hold space, I do not go deeply into the medicine. Also I find that the medicine guides me and helps me to hold the space, understand what needs to be done. It helps me open my heart space to sing. These have been special experiences, yet I sensed that I needed to do a solo vision quest with no one around and no responsibility of others.

After a few days of clean eating and meditation I was feeling apprehensive and ready in all the right ways. I decided to fast without food for the last two days, allowing only water to pass through my system.

This morning I awoke to dark gloomy skies and constant gentle rain. Having the whole day free, I knew that it was time. I had some medicine made by a friend in Brazil that I was going to try. And I had some big questions tormenting my soul.

This is merely the tale of my experience. I intend in no way to convert or convince anyone of my perceptions as I unfold and experience. I realise that some of the things that I share or say will go against your belief system. I encourage you only to be fascinated by the infinite amount of ways there are of perceiving consciousness.


I felt the need to start inside the house. I lit a candle, laid my protection grids with clear clarity and sat down on the couch watching the rain fall gently outside.

I drank two shooter glasses of the thick jungle syrup after spending a few minutes talking to the plant consciousness present in the mix. Like a child sitting at a parents feet asking for a lesson.

I found it surprisingly easy to relax into it as I usually experience a lot of resistance initially. I was listening to some very beautiful chanting. I had an incredible love washing over me.

I soon realised that I was crying. I found myself gently speaking openly about how disturbed I was about some of the perceptions I had about this reality. I will not discuss the long series of teachings, experiences and realisations I had both on the inner and outer worlds of late. Yet what I can tell you is that it left me feeling very conflicted about the bad and good, light and dark thing.

I presented my concerns onto the open platform of my consciousness. Nothing could have quite prepared me for what I was to experience over the next five hours.

I was shown how I emanate from a mental plane of consciousness. I have never attempted to hold a human form before and it has been most challenging … (yeah no shit I thought!)

I saw how unity and love are like deep understanding in my dimension. Yet we do not experience the physical manifestation of human raw emotion. I became so aware of how beautiful emotions are. It’s not that we do not experience them, we just don’t experience them in this enormity.
I began to understand why the emotional pains of this world had once been so difficult for me to bare.
I also got shown why I was called to anchor my energy more and more into the human heart space. Neither frequency is superior, they are just different in nature. I now understand how the music i write, or recite in ceremony is connecting me to this powerful emotional spectrum at the same time as bringing my sun frequency to dance with mother.

I have always found deeply sad things to be so beautiful. The saddest songs always open my heart in the happiest ways.

I received beautiful visions about how the mind is enslaved by more systems of domination and control than we can imagine. Yet we are still truly free as nothing can hold the frequency of the heart in any prison. Essentially I was taught how thinking and the need to understand traps us. The world of understanding, of knowledge, of belief, can only take you to the edge of a cliff, where you must switch your 3D mind off. Open your heart and leap.

Until now my experience had been very gentle and very relaxed, with wonderful insights. None of which pushed me out of my comfort zone. As I felt the plants consciousness slowly begin to subside I felt a strong sense that I needed to go in deeper. I was not done yet. I came here asking big questions and I needed guidance.

I looked across at the bottle on the table and realised I was done with it. I thanked it deeply for its lesson. Walked to my room and opened the safe and took out some of my own brew that I use in my ceremonies. It’s very uncommon to mix medicines but I was guided. I had a nervous feeling when I took the shot glass and after the usual introductions and niceties ingested the all too familiar bitter sacrament.

Well as Terence McKenna once said if you don’t think at one stage “oh shit I have really done it now” you have never truly explored plant consciousness.

The new medicine begun to spin, weave and dance over the other. A new frequency began to take hold. It was anything but subtle. Mimosa arrived and rushed at me, playfully dancing like an excited friend.

From the subtle few hours before I found myself unfolding into a massive space. Each time the frequency stepped up I experienced the most incredible physical sensations. I was sweating and shaking and feeling so uncomfortable. Yet I had a strange smile across my face.

I lived in fear for so long. It was the major theme of my human expression. Experiencing fear of every perceivable vibration. Although I managed to reconnect to so many aspects of myself. I had never truly found my courage. A fact I always kept close.

This last year I have received an incredible amount of lessons and teachings through Ceremony, through ‘Lucid Dreams’, through out of body experiences etc. All slowly teaching me to find my courage in the darkest nights.

I realised sitting on the coach with spit dripping down my smirking, anguished chin that it was time to put them into practice. I realised with a sinking feeling that this was going to be no easy ride. Yet almost immediately my newfound sense of self belief and adventure kicked in and I felt ready. No sooner had I decided, the medicine hit me with full force and it placed time and reality as I knew it on pause so that we could talk for a while.

We discussed how many layers of fear I had worked through, and yet how much work was still to be done before I could truly navigate into the worlds I was called into.

I placed my hand on my solar plexus and presented this cosmic platform I felt myself spilled upon with a question. I had experienced the most incredible purging healing on my first ceremony. Where dark beings of fear where cast out of me. Why is it then that I now feel the same feeling in my solar plexus lately?

The platform unfolded a teaching for me to show how even though we may heal ourselves or remove ourselves of these energetic thought patterns during the medicine. We often begin to recreate them the week after, out of sheer habit.

By now I realised where this was going, the cold sweat and an acid like nausea that felt like hot molten lead inside me was rising. I was making light gagging sounds somewhere far away. Wherever my mouth might be in time and space.

I was desperate to purge and release myself once again of this thing I carry. I was suspended in this horrible state and I was shown that if I could hang in there, I can move in deeper and take out more. Try not to purge the platform expressed to me.

I hung in there rocking and desperate, laughing out loud every now and then when my humor and spirit of adventure gave me a birds eye view of my struggle. I experienced the removal of a black vine like virus that was removed from every cell. I felt it pull out my brain like a unhappy clingy parasite, I felt it draw from every corner of my body. All accumulating in a giant energetic bundle that was excruciatingly twisting in my solar plexus.

Just when I couldn’t anymore, I doubt I was even breathing. Dripping with sweat, I heard this incredible waterfall open. And the sound of fear rushing acidly out of my gaping human hole. I purged the purge by which all purges shall be measured 🙂

I almost immediately felt better. Soon after I the platform of conscious expression I was observing showed me how my solar plexus have to be able to digest very powerful energies. The reason for this was I was shown how a ceremony energy runs through my solar plexus. It was incredible clarity how my whole life, all my thousands of hours at war with the solar plexus energy had led me to be able to hold that neutral space. My war to belong made manifest.

I realise that I would often have to cleanse and empower that energy center. It was the place that my home “sun energy “emanates from. It is also the portal I can use to go into other people astral hells if need be (a whole other story)

I decided after drinking some water and trying to open my human looking balls that I should go outside. As I walked through the kitchen I flashed on and off. I was human, I was energy, I was human, I was energy.
It was like seeing everything like the matrix quantum field. I began to chuckle at how funny it is that we think we are so separate to things.

I sat in my ceremony chair in the healing pool. The gentle rain falling on my skin. The plants where dancing all around me.

At this stage I exploded visually into a whole new world. Bombarded with visuals of every being you can imagine. The darkest and the lightest. Strange things you can’t even imagine.

The conscious platform sensed my fear. And like magic my lessons picked up exactly where they had left off weeks before, what a great teacher in a state of surrender.

When you use these earth technologies as ancient as Lumeria, you drop into consciousness hubs. Like airports where all realities meet. This is why you feel so bombarded by creatures.

I felt claustrophobic and kept wanting to understand or label what I was seeing.

It showed me how using the Plant portals is exactly like arriving at an airport. At first you are at an interchange where all life meets. Just like a busy airport you can get overwhelmed. As well as run into creatures of every kind.

To cut a very, very intense experience shorter. The platform once again taught me to navigate every single being and reality with pure observation. Without judgement or opinion. Just pure acceptance of what I observed. It showed me that I needed to be able to go into any corner of the sea of consciousness. That my mind, and beliefs and labels acted as the monkey on my back. The part of me that could not fit through the eye of the needle, the portal i was been called down.

After much fighting , and inner war . I surrendered everything I thought I knew. I felt my beliefs and perceptions dissolve away. I was shaking and sweating and afraid as I went through the wall. What was I without my beliefs I remember thinking as I dissolved… “What’s left?”

Perhaps everything is to be found…

At the end of this vortex was a person sitting in a chair in the rain. I realised it was me. I was suddenly completely back in my body, where just minutes before I was rushing between worlds and lessons. I was absolutely lucid lying in my chair. So deeply calm. Was it over I wondered. I realised that right then no time existed. I looked up into the clouds and the most incredible dragon shaped expression of mind bending geometry present itself playfully down to me. I realised that Source energy had created the expression for me to interact with.

The dragon came down to me as clear as daylight, more real than anything I have ever experienced. It whispered in a deep bellow, “Hello child, so what do you wish to ask me?”

I lay in my bent over chair in the rain staring up at this expression in front of me with my mouth hanging open. All feelings of unreality, trippy sensations, had subsided. This was as real and lucid as I am when driving my car.

This was the most real thing I had ever seen.
I took a deep breath and asked the first question that had been haunting me.

Every single question was answered by taking my hand and literally showing me from his perspective how it all looks without a juxtaposition. How things look when you see the entire sea of consciousness before you. I was taken into the mind of all that is, and became one with it. It was as though I was posing the questions to myself. Then seeing the solutions that we had come up with.

I will never be able to explain the vastness of creation. I became all things, Every single thing, dimension, thought, was permeating as a cell within my being.

I felt an incredible acceptance and love for all that I was.

I had no opinion or perspective or judgement. They were all just allowed to be. We went into the darkest, strangest parts of the never ending ocean and we went into realms of love and light that brought tears to my eyes.
Source energy, and me as one.

I realised with mind bending clarity how Source was neither light nor dark. I was experiencing the universe as Source does. And I looked down upon the expressions of darkness with equal love and acceptance as I did the dimensions of light.

Back in my body, in absolute stunned silence from what I had just felt.

“How can you love the darkness as much as you love the light?”  I expressed with anger rising in 3D mind.

I found myself lifting my shirt. I was caressing my stomach. The dragon showed me how my misguided eating of late had led to the creation of this small belly. It showed me how I can no easier reject this stomach that is born of my own decisions and creation, than it can reject the dark beings within his kingdoms. They are all birthed of him. Just like I birth my life with my every thought, my every action. My every expression births consciousness that becomes gradually self-released on its path of slow but sure understanding and experiencing what it is truly a part of. Yet is born in separation.

Every single thing is allowed. In this incredible expanding ocean. We cannot become anything. We are already all things. It is our belief in separation that disempowers us. We only wish to become something other than that which we are, because we do not understand that at the fabric we are already all things. As we are God, and he is us. We are not only the individual expression, we are also the entire ocean.

One God perceiving itself from an infinite amount of observation points.

I understood how it answered my question of enlightenment. Enlightenment is being in that state of individual expression as well as holding the entire spectrum of oneness at the same time. Not in an understanding, but in an experience thereof.

God in Man.

Some of these lessons absolutely pushed my belief system. I was even shown how some beings whom I call dark are fully enlightened . I could not understand this. I was shown that many dark beings are perfectly aware of the oneness of all things. They just choose to express it differently to my understanding.

I was then shown how dark and bad are not the same thing.

Dark is pure source power, light is endless love and acceptance.

Human beings have confused dark with bad, and light with good.
I was very confused at this stage.

After many profound experiences I saw how, what we mean by dark is expressions of separation. All acts of hate, self or other, violence and murder are expressions of this separation.
These stem from a being that is disconnected, separate. There are even realities such as earth where beings come to experience being separate. The highs and lows that it brings are chosen expressions. We come here to this incredible, virtual world to express aspects of ourselves that we cannot in state of oneness, in true reality.

Dark was not necessarily bad, we have boxed the power of the darkness frequency with the human labels of good and bad.

It’s understandable that we are very averted to these acts of separation and expression, as they go against the flow of life.

Darkness on the other hand does not. It is part of the impulse behind all life. Just as is light is.

I could see with powerful clarity just how messed up we are getting yourself with our labels of what is darkness. We end up denying parts of that which we are constructed and wonder why we feel fragmented.

It’s is fine to choose to not exhibit acts of separation. However you are as much pure dark matter energy as you are light matter. When united they come together and form a eternally neutral expression such as mother earth. She is neither good nor bad, she is .

Every expression of life including me, birthing new life into this never ending sea of consciousness. All the while this perfectly neutral energy flowing through every fabric of expression edging it to self-realisation (awareness of the whole) as well as teaching it to gradually take responsibility for its creations. Just as I must with my lost children and demons. Just as the eternal Mother and Father do.

It made so much sense to me. I laughed at the perfection of how all is embraced. I accepted all things … without judgement.
My human mind began to engage again and I found myself bursting with the next question. As I stared at this magnificent being, humouring me with a geometrical expression in the sky.
I asked what about beings that no longer want to express what they are expressing. What about beings that become so lost in it all that they don’t understand the simple choices that everything holds. “Father”, I suddenly blurted out aloud “How do we help them?”

“Aaaaah that is a beautiful question ”, the reassuring voice answered.

The next set of visions showed me how in this incomprehensibly big ocean of beings and expressions, certain beings began to hold the love and understanding for all beings, it showed me how above all realities, beyond all dimensions, Source had created a frequency that permeated all dimensions. A frequency that emits a never ending wave or signal of true oneness. It showed me that every single being that is birthed holds that spark within it. A homing device, a lighthouse of Source emanation, calling it to full responsibility, to acceptance of the whole. Always acceptable within, by a true inquisitor.

It showed me how creation has come up with a solution to the problem.

It created an entire angelic realm of helpers that exhibit and express on this unique all permeating frequency. Or more accurately it showed me how they cast themselves in this role. Beings who were done with the need to express and explore the realms of all that they already are, in all it’s glorious and even perverse expressions. Beings that no longer found their ultimate joy in individual experience. That now found their purpose, which is a self-cast role, in guiding others.

I became so emotional and excited by these visions. As I soared through creation and felt these expressions that emanated and vibrated beyond the realms of time and space. The winged advisors and helpers.
“I get it” I shouted out. I understand how prayer and calling and intention work. They bring these hosts into action.

The dragon expression of source suddenly bellowed down at me playfully yet sternly, “Behold my words child . For I am you and you are me. So we will speak as one.”

Sitting in my chair in the rain I found my mouth opening and speaking as though I was the expression of pure consciousness.

I heard myself speaking out aloud, as the sound emanated from my lips. I comprehended it as an outsider and heard it for the first time. After it has left my lips and only hear it when it hits my human ears.

We speak, “One of the greatest deceptions in the human mind that exists, is the generally accepted concept about the realms of helpers. That which are personally birthed by me, you, as a solution to your eternal question, is simply that they exist to bring expressions to the light.”

“To suggest this would be to suggest that we have an opinion or a predisposed idea of how your will of creation should be expressed. This is contrary to the mind of what you perceive in human expression to be God.”

“These beings exist for a far higher purpose. One that lies far beyond belief. They exist to liberate any being that wishes to be liberated from the expression of their own creation.”

“Every being I allowed to create openly, as an expression of me, knows no limits. None too small or too big.”

“Yet If at any time one of these expressions where to find himself trapped, or in the middle of a creation which through lack of responsibility they no longer control. If they call out with the universal soul for help, the realms of angelic expression will come to them without exception…”

“Understand that these beings do not come to liberate you from something they disagree with, to something they prefer. They merely emanate because you call out to be somewhere other than where you are.
They simply hear your plea to learn to create something else, and help guide you to this understand and level of responsibility.”

“These beings do not exist with an agenda. They are there to reinforce your deepest calling. They are there to help you with your new found agenda”

At this stage I became aware of movement outside. Perhaps my father who had come to see why I was talking to the sky. I was not sure, I simply surrendered again wanting to know more. Shaking with resistance, yet deep knowing of truth unfolding.

My mouth opened and I we spoke again.

“Even this great awakening that exists upon this realm of earth, it my child does not exist because of the yearning of the creators souls. It is merely the universal response to the unified call into the universe. It is merely the great mechanism of love kicking into action. Every being of the freedom expression investing time into helping these beings liberate themselves from the creator dream that they no longer wish to dream.”

“Lastly I wish to convey that these beings, masters, angelic hosts can no more liberate you from your situation than you can. Even they are not beyond the free will of creation. They are merely embedded with the downloaded information for your own personal empowerment. Through music, art, realisation and all creative expression they dance. Edging you to become the creator you desire.”

“They in essence merely come with information to teach you how to become more culpable and responsible for your creation.”

“Once these beings impart the realisation that you are creating it all , you can begin to create something different.”

“So in essence they teach you to free yourselves.”

“They can never do it for you.”

“Yet you are never alone. Your calls are never ignored”

“Never ….. Ever”

“You are the miracle you are waiting for my child!”
“The information you need to move into a different part of the ocean is upon you, because you have called.”

“It has not grounding in my agenda”

“The angelic realms … are creatures of “angles”

“They help you change your angle. Angle, angel.”

“It is a pure choice of expression , And I honor all”
At this stage I was so immersed in a deep understanding of the absolute love and acceptance that all things are. I don’t think I can ever find the words to describe what it was like to experience myself as the mind of God. To understand his challenges. To understand the solutions he garnered to his unfoldment of his children.
I had no desire to become anything. I was already all things. I was free to experience any part of that which we were. I would never be able to enter this realm of the all known, garnishing  my beliefs and opinions under my arm.

The eye of the needle called for the ego death before it could express its highest truths.
The last thing the dragon said to me was, “You my child, as you well know, are one of these programs. One of these liberating programs.”

“You are here not to express my agenda.”

“They have called. They wish to rise to a different level of expression.”

“And God behold when they understand the responsibility of their eternal creations… It will be so.”

“And your job will be done”


I love you my friends . I am vulnerable and in this adventure with you. I merely humbly express my unfoldment…

Eternal , epic , incomprehensible Love.

You, me, and us.

I understand nothing.

Nathan Raaths


  • Monica says:

    Hello Nathan. An epic journey. Thank you for writing it out, making it possible for me, tonight, to sail that universe of oceans with you.

    Reading through it all was a full-on journey of its own. Impossible for memories of my own journeys not to merge with yours, and to sense other journeys still to come.

    Your experience opened again the vast interconnectednesses and awarenesses. Every tiny cell in our bodies, on the earth, each one a universe, a world, a factory of other life forms. And when we travel like visiting astronauts to where they are, they become huge, detailed; perfect; busy with purpose of which we know nothing. The more we go in, the more there is, All of it wise and different beyond other knowings.

    And then, instead of diving into the “smaller and smaller” (though nothing is small) we choose to swim outwards – it’s just the same! More life. More complexity and activity. Teeming with intelligence, variety, Knowing universes within knowing universes.

    Microscopes and telescopes of spirit reveal no small or big stuff – just a lot, a lot. Details. Perfections and mysteries. Does it ever end? What are we part of? The mind is an obstacle. Light and dark are expressions of the same. The mind depletes by judging, by pretending to know what can’t be known.

    Also vulnerable in this tribal adventure. .

  • Angie says:

    Thank you Nathan for sharing this amazing journey. I am open and vulnerable on this adventure in human form…

  • Nicci says:

    Wow! Wow! Wow!!

    Thank you so much for sharing your amazing journey and message with us


  • Hi Nathan, I have not had the privilege of meeting you last year, but trust that it will change this year.
    I wept as I read this blog yesterday. THANK YOU for taking the time to share. I have battled with similar questions, and as you recounted your experience, it was like an echo in my mind, as if I experienced it all with you before.
    And when I got to the bit on the new insight on the Angels/Angles…I wept with joy and gratitude.
    I think our human collective consciousness is experiencing this big awakening as we are tired of this creation where war and suffering is so abundant, and that we are crying to the Angels now to help change this angle…to bring peace and harmony and love back, to balance it again.
    I found a lot of peace and calm after reading your blog and really cannot thank you enough for sharing.
    I please also need some practical tips on how to clean the chacras. Where can I find that?

  • Joe says:

    Thanks Nathan. I had fun reading your journey. We are beautiful brother! Love and joy in your creations here on Pacha Mama 🙂

  • Hi Nathan, you have expressed it so beautifully. I had my experience in August 1997 without the help of Ayahuasca. Probably I am lucky to have come from a different spiritual liniage with less mental programming to overcome.

    Back to this 3D state, I often questioned myself, why do I manifest myself in this particular point of time and space? It is overwhelmingly sad. We have to witness those still on the separation path and trapped in suffering, yet the law of free will won’t allow us to help them unless they want to get out of their trap. Yet, I feel most of them don’t even know they are in a trap.

  • Dean Conrad says:

    wow absolutely amazing journey, teachings, experience, super powerful super amazing plant, actually quite hard to comprehend, think my time to let it guide me is close. Love D

  • Kevin says:

    Shoo,what an amazing journey my brother, you my friend are an amazing vessel thru which we are being tought please understand this, because I do, and I honour your absolute honesty,bravery and will not to effect judgment on those around you. I truly say Hauxl Haux to you brother.

  • Lauren-Lee says:

    I am so blessed with your presence in my life, but I thank you once again for unfolding the mind and heart of the Sun that you are so that I may ride the waves of your experiences.

    As I read and all my molecules attuned to the awareness of One.

    I know nothing …

  • Responding using words which are so inadequate is difficult .
    I will try …
    Thank you for spreading the Word so that others may know how much we are loved more than time more than light, thank you Nathan thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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