My obsessive search for truth/The insanity and pain it brought/ And the answer I found !
My obsessive search for truth
I was obsessed from a very young age with the search for the truth behind all things. From as early as primary school I was baffled by the conflicting stories and opinions that I was bombarded with. I can’t explain why, but I felt nothing was more important than knowing what was really going on and why we were here.
I could even be described as obsessive about it. This set a tone for most of my life. In some ways you could say that I lost a large portion of my life driving myself mad with anguish.
The more I learned, the more I observed, the more I read, the less sense it all made. I was like a neutral honest broker standing amongst all truths.
The one thing that always struck me outright was that most people defended the truths that they were born into, even to the death. Even those that adopted new truths once settled and decided, seemed to block out all other ideas.
As a teenager I could never understand how people were able to give their understanding of truth and meaning a label? How do you truly give the most personal thing about yourself a name? The way that one perceives the Universe, and the Source behind it. How do you give it a generic label to be shared by millions? ….. Or even ten?!?
I was an internally troubled human being and this led me to force the question even more. I had read hundreds of books regarding religious perceptions, self-help and scientific interpretations by the age of sixteen. Thousands by my twenties. Yet the hole inside my soul only grew deeper and wider!
I searched so hard and I ached for meaning. I felt so alone and so lost in this world at times that I often, almost allowed myself to be pulled into one of the residing and dominating belief systems. Sometimes it got way too lonely, in what was starting to feel like a desert. I could see why people were so easily pulled in, the relief of someone telling you what the truth is, the safety of everyone around you agreeing. The rules and regulations laid out to you in a simple how-to step-by-step programme.
This was very alluring and many times I felt the longing to join… to be saved, be cleansed, to be baptized, to be made a brother, to join a cult. Many times I felt the pull of several enigmatic belief systems.
The last thing that made it really hard not to be drawn in is that all these institutions is that so many of us can feel a Source, intelligence, a spirit, a guide in all things. So when a human being comes along and starts telling us what that Source is all about we are inclined to believe…. It never occurs to us that this is the most personal thing in the world and something no one can ever tell you!
Conflicted with all these thoughts I was always forced to move on. Always saddened by three things I felt in every single structured system.
The first one was the incredible amounts of fear… especially to anyone who rocks the boat from the inside and starts asking logical questions! You become the enemy in no time at all.
The second one was the box syndrome. As soon as we as beings climb into one box, we immediately without questions close to all the other magnificent boxes. We become deaf to all voices outside. We don’t seem to be able to liberate our need for boxes!
The third one is what I call the past deception. It is an innate built-in programme within nearly every human that I learned from. It is the understanding that the further back in history the sacred or religious information comes from… the more powerful or accurate it must be.
Although I could understand the appeal and safety of culture brought along, and beliefs passed down, it saddened and confused me that no one seemed to think that these ideas could be improved upon. It seemed that we were making leaps in so many fields but when it came to the core essence. When it came to answering the greatest question in human history, when it came to addressing the very thing that was eating at my soul and driving me near mad, we could only look far into the past, and react with strong fear if anyone questioned or challenged it!
The years began to blur in my twenties. Although it would be very convenient to tell a story of a man on a crazy religious crusade in his search for God, that was only part of the story. Life slowly began to consume me. Internal suffering, mental pain and anxiety, emotional issues and eventually epilepsy, drove me past the line of what we in society consider as sane many times. I was for all intentions and purposes insane… and few who knew me would disagree!
What had once started as a boy’s absolutely driven search for God, meaning and truth had slowly turned into an obsessive, pain-ridden path of seeming disaster.
Where once I walked like a burning fire through the world I held my hands around my small flickering flame in my heart, desperately afraid that it would go out one day… then one day it did!
During all those years there is one thing that never changed. I constantly, whether on my hands and knees, or standing in a storm, whether being in a holy place, or even standing out in the wild, I always called out to the force behind all things… I always called out to eternity. I always asked the same thing “Show me the truth behind all things”, I would cry out! “Please show me which path is correct. I can’t think of anything more important than laying my life down for you. This force I feel inside me and inside all things. It is so important to me that I honour you. I do not know the way, I am lost and confused almighty Prime Creator show me the way”
I asked this same question so many times I can’t even describe it, some days through tears, and some days through laughter. Sadly as the years wore away at me, as my quest became my struggle, as my pain became my master, I began to ask the question more and more through inebriated and substance bent breath.
My answers felt like they came less and less and less still. My flame grew smaller.
Just as most human beings on this planet do to fulfil that empty void, I self-medicated. I self-medicated with all the things around me. Every distraction I could find, anything to drown out the burning question, the question that consumed me. Eventually I self-medicated on a harder and harder scale… liquor and later even drugs became my friends. Surely they could take this pain away? I did not know what my life meant without an answer!
If I had to navigate without truth, I was not sure I could navigate at all!
And each time I looked back at all the books and doctrines on the table, inside I cried, “None of these are worthy of you Father! Even if the desert kills me I will continue to walk!”
In a strange twist the very thing that I tried to use to drown and kill out the pain, the very liquid and substances I tried to use to kill the questions in my mind, brought me back to the question!
My last memory of the question was on my hands and knees in my room one night clutching a bottle of vodka. Tears flowing down my dead expression, I remember the questions rising within me one last time.
What is the truth Prime Creator? How do I serve you? How do I heal myself? What is wrong with me? I hurt so very badly and I can find you nowhere … my thoughts began to become jumbled and fade!
And surely enough my light went out!
Three years later I am not sure how I would’ve described myself. A shell of a man if anything. Who stood before me in the mirror was not someone I admired or even liked at all. Hell, he was something I hated!
Imagine if those that knew me from the outside, had known what one simple thing had driven me to madness. Where only a dark soul stood before them, would they believe that he somehow got lost in his quest for God! His need for light had driven him into darkness!
I am not sure how I continued for the next few years. I was a dead man walking. My light was out and I carried hell around within me.
One night lying in the dark in the rock bottom of my life trying to think of a way out that didn’t involve as much courage as suicide … always angered by the fact that to kill myself I had to once again face the question of what was behind all life . What was the truth of things? I felt like this was God’s final cruel joke towards me
I knew there was no way out for me, I knew there was no truth or healing to be found out there for me. I lay in the darkness that night. And after many years I had nowhere else to go…
I went inside. I closed my eyes and I spoke into the darkness.
I called out to the Father one last time.
Only three years have passed since. Yet I can tell you it has been a lifetime for me! My first thirty years took a thousand seasons to pass. And the last three have taken thirty!
When my flame was re-ignited that night… When my soul spark was returned to me deep in prayer one night ….. I knew I would never ever be the same!
I will not bore you with the details. Yet I would like to share with you an absolutely amazing story of transformation. My flame grew brighter every single day. My healing on all level was near miraculous. The voice within me grew louder every day.
And would you believe that all of this happened for one simple reason. The first time I truly heard the voice of God… was when I had nothing left. When I first heard the voice of God it was with in me. And the first words he ever uttered where in answer to my question!
After so long in the cold the answer immediately began to melt the ice within my soul. The warm tears rolled down my frozen face… slowly releasing my imprisoned smile… I cried so deeply that night.
Just like I had always known it would, the answer set me free.
Everything else just fell into place. The light of my heart grew stronger each day and spilled into every single aspect of my life. Into my every movement. Into my every word.
I began to live the flame that lived inside me. And each day the voice grew stronger, always there, always willing to guide me further!
I was reborn that night … I was reborn from my own doing … Deep inside the dark cave of my soul ….. I sat at the master’s feet a broken man and came out free!
Not a day goes by that I do not think of my struggle, I do not remember the pain I went through. I think daily of the pain and fear that we all carry inside us. I think of it, yet I don’t feel it any more.
I think of what it was to be just Nathan. All on his own, without the eternity that now blazes within me.
For although I am the same on the outside, inside I am merged. Inside I am part of a cosmic merging. Inside I become more and more aligned with the God within me each day… The answers I sought where always within me, always behind closed eyes!
I am so moved by my second chance… Life means more to me than I can ever express. The love and beauty that I now feel and see flowing through all things have become the new obsession of this once broken soul!
“Nathan” it said to me from the deep loneliness within me, “I have answered your question each day of your life as I will again today. I have answered many times deep inside your soul. Today however my child I think you are ready to hear.”
And this is what eternity said to me…
“All truths are correct my child. All truths are equally true.”
I felt an anger rising inside me when I heard the voice come to me in the dark. I knew that this could not be the answer. This could not be the voice of the true divine I sought for so long.
I cannot explain to you what happened next. Yet I spent an unknown amount of time immersed in the most beautiful visions for the lack of a better word. Visions that would change my life!
By the morning when I opened my eyes I had a new image in my mind of what God was, the ‘being’ that I had searched for, of this creature I had always pictured standing in the sky ignoring me.
I travelled the seas of all creation through the mind of God. I swam through the seas of the infinite mind-fields of the Creator. I swam through the river of life and experienced the Source running through all things. I felt the galaxies, dimensions and realities of infinite worlds and races flow through my being. I experienced all things at once.
Lying in bed I began to feel the tears start again, absolutely ripped open by my vision of the Creator. And in broad daylight I heard the voice inside me say, “Ask me again!”
I asked one more time, “What is the truth behind all things? Which truth or path is correct?”
And before I could even finish I began to laugh. I understood for the first time in my life. I laughed myself into freedom. I laughed heartily while fanning my newly ignited flame!
The source within me and within all things, God, The Prime Creator is so uncomprehendingly immense and infinite that he allows all truths within Him without question.
I was shown that whatever you choose to be your truth … truly is true!
We all live within this magnificent sea of consciousness.
It allows us to choose anything we want. Any truth we choose becomes our reality.
The Universe will support anything you take into your heart as your personal truth.
The Universe will take that which you hold close to your heart and make it so!
All truths are true… they are all allowed to exist, equally side by side, and they are all made real and manifest!
This understanding vibrated through my whole being. I could feel it breaking the bonds around my scared heart.
This was not why I was laughing however…
I was laughing by what the God within me said next!
“If all truths are true… If I will accept, reinforce and bring to light anything that you hold in your heart and mind as your path.
If any path can be yours, any truth is true!
Which one my child do you choose for yourself?
So you are wrong to ask me… It is I who am here to ask you! ”
“What is true to you my child?”
The sense of power and freedom this gave me was beyond liberating, years later I can tell you that my truth grows moulds and changes every day. I constantly rip my mind and heart open more and more and more, through people, places and things. And always when I need answers I never go without, I only go within!
The ways that I perceive, understand and honour the Creator within all things changes constantly.
I am building the greatest truth I could ever imagine, I believe a story so magnificent that my imagination laughs as it tries to keep up.
There are no limits within this being!
He can match any thought I can have!
I am weaving a beyond beautiful story every single day.
One that I hold within my mind and heart.
Each night when I climb into bed, the God within me, my old friend says to me:
“I see your truth… within me all things are allowed. I see your truth Nathan!”
“I see what you choose… sleep tight my child”
“What is now in your heart and mind I will once again take up.”
“And it will be so.”
Nathan and the God within me.
The God within us all.