I have an incredibly strong feeling inside of me. It’s the hardest feeling in the world to describe, and what’s even more confusing is that my instinct screams at me to attempt to share it with the world. So I pick up my pencil late one night and try.
It’s an intense emotion that makes you feel sad waves that bring fresh warm tears, strangely though, it is a happy feeling. Happy because it is such a pure emotion, it washes through my scarred soul, like the quicksilver of love slowly spreading through my veins. It gently begins to mend the cuts and scars that have been there longer than I care to remember. It feels like all emotions have been unreal until this one. It’s a feeling of a peaceful understanding, I feel like I have woken up in the middle of a very difficult dream. I suddenly see the infinite, perfect beauty of an artistic tapestry beyond our everyday scope!
I have woken up in the middle of the dream and all I can do is stand here on the proverbial sidewalk of my life’s road. Standing like a statue amongst the moving throngs of people pushing past me. People seem focused on the reality before them, living the dream to their fullest capacity, each writing their own script. I only hear whispers of their stories as they rush past, these soon fade into the background of everything as they dissolve into the fog.
And as I stand, the tears run, they wash down my dust stained face and slowly seep over my smiling lips. I rub my head with my hands, half-crying, half-laughing. It’s as though my heart has just begun to work and it is experiencing true love for the first time, the only emotion that exists in eternity and beyond our dreams.
The sheer enormity of the realization of perfection in action is so daunting, so beautiful, that I am scared to move. I am scared I will lose this clarity, lose my footing and be swept up in the crowd, soon forgetting the masterful overview of the picture.
I feel the tears dripping off my chin now as they fall to meet the Mother beneath my feet. I cry deeply yet happily as I truly let go for the first time!
I begin to realize how much hurt and pain lies deep within me, begging to be acknowledged, wanting to be let into the releasing light of awareness and recognition, and more importantly to transcend into acceptance. I realise how much pain I have carried from so many lifetimes, so many stories I have been part of.
As my life stands briefly on pause I awaken to a moment of sheer bliss. With it, comes the realization that this will eventually be something I look back on one day, beyond the mortal veil. Something I look back upon as the greatest experience of my endless existence. Like that summer of your youth that seems so perfect in hindsight. The friends and first loves, the pain and the lessons. That summer you catch yourself pining over, the summer you long to repeat again to experience those firsts one more time. “If only I knew then what I do now… “, you think to yourself, “I would have stopped and breathed, gratefully taking it all in.”
Before me the people, objects and places that surround me begin to arrange themselves, they all seem to be flying around madly with apparent formless chaos. No sooner had they begun then a pattern begun to appear, a pattern started to develop like jumbled pixels on a television screen. They slowly started to come into focus. I almost lean forward in anticipation as the image slowly unfolds before me. I realize I am looking at a mirror image of myself, exactly the same and yet so different. I see myself objectively for the first time, as I reach out and wipe away some of the tears off my double’s face. I smile through the deep beautiful pain (that I somehow now know is more sacred than gold, as it transforms into the butterfly within me.)
I realize how beautiful I am for the first time. Slowly the illusions of many mistaken and fear inducing man-made beliefs begin to melt off me like an ice formation seeing its first spring sun. All Judgement and perception of wrong and right, of good and bad slowly melt and fall off me like unwanted baggage. My heart thaws as I take my first breath as a free man, my partner nods approvingly as he steps towards me and dissolves onto me, oh sweet merge of mine! All I see before me now are a thousand different ways I have taught myself that all there is, is Love!
I feel like the innocent sensitive child I once was, even more filled with bewilderment as the story of love never seems to stop growing. I open my eyes and I can perceive no wrong in his actions or those around me. I now see only a magnificently written play, casting and starring you as the lead and co-starring thousands of people and a million moments that all exist to bring this one magnificent rapture into existence … the moment that my understanding of love breathes deeply, expanding and growing until it settles into its new perspective. The moment of growth is felt through the universe as it echoes through eternity.
As the last of the hard judgemental and opinionated ice thaws and slides off my tear stained face, crashing towards Mother as an offering for recycling in her next great set design, I begin to laugh as I suddenly realize that my darkest hours where my finest moments.
Every thought and event that I ever wanted to sweep under the carpet, judge and categorise, seem so damn perfect in hindsight, they were the true twist in the perfect plot that would lead me back to the only truth that can ever be found, that the only permanent reality is Love … “Surely an Oscar winning performance?”, I playfully gesture to the heavens in question.
The sheer perfection of how I had written the script on Mother’s stage dawned on me further. How I had slowly pushed myself to my own personal birth of truth, of understanding a new purity of Love.
How far down the rabbit hole could we go? I wondered how many magnificent times and places I had delved into to reach and explore the endless sea of Source Love that embraced me now. No sooner had I asked the question, through an explosion of consciousness, I became aware of every part of myself, spread across space and time. All aspects of myself stopped and acknowledged each other in a single moment, the only moment there is, the eternal now. The moment was brief, but lasted for ever. We sealed it with a knowing smile before our unity begun to slip away from us and we found ourselves with our limited perspectives once more (somehow less lonely though).
I once again experienced myself as separate to other things, but I kept the secret smiling deep in my ancient heart.
I realize that we create a physical reality out of the endless sea of consciousness that is us, a reality where we can perceive a start and a finish and perceive duality… the perfect growing environment to cultivate experiential growth. There is no time or space in the divine quantum matrix. In those moments we realise we always end where we started, we just know this place better each time.
Our higher selves never went anywhere at all. We were always just love in the endless stream of consciousness trying to perceive itself through new eyes. We are assimilations of our own experiences. Many heads on one self-actualising yet perfect creature observing itself from countless angles. Slowly weaving yet another thread of perfection, a new shade of Love, into the ultimate tapestry of the Divine matrix.
Who knew where I would pop up next? After this place who knows what magnificent seeds of Love we will sow, grow and reap!
My name is Nathan Raaths. I have walked among giants and cowered with thieves. I have swam through darkness and addiction, I have battled great foes, outwards and within. I have climbed mountains soaring with elation and I to have survived nights so dark my own soul’s flame flickered threatening to go out. I have been the knight in shining armour and a dark villain to match. I have fulfilled my roles as the victim, the saviour and even the perpetrator. I have played my role in your script as have you in mine. I have loved and been loved, lost and been lost! I have screamed and cried, I have suffered; I have laughed, lived and risen again.
I have stood on each square of this mighty board, experienced the enormity of what we are from every angle, and stand now silently understanding how it all equates to a perfect formula of unconditional Love.
I am Nathan Raaths (this part of me anyway) and every perfect moment, decision and event has brought me to this place. I only perceive past because I am trying to understand what it is that makes me exactly who I am, I only perceive future because I want to be anything other than what I already am.
In the Highest reality
I Simply Am
My slow journey to personal truth and self-realisation is so incredibly unique it can be shared by no other. Just as it is, with yours. There is no value in us walking the same realization path of understanding. We must forge many paths through the endless jungles of our own cosmic minds.
I recognise I am on my knees now filled with gratitude for this realisation!
It’s then that I caught my first glimpse of you, seated beneath the tree in the park trying to get the needle into your shaking arm. You were beautiful and perfect beyond words. My soul bowed down to you saluting your process. Not for a second did I think I needed to share my truth, although I am sure I would help you find your own along the way. I had no doubt you had your own magnificent script in action … as your eyes glazed over and the saliva escaped your gaping mouth I stood in awe of you.
I am honoured to watch you become self-realized, I have no opinion of the path you have chosen, and the destruction you need to go through to get there.
I will watch you reach your perfect moment my friend, and I could not possibly be so stupid as to judge how it is you decide to teach yourself about a deeper love, I salute your mastery. Until then my arms are open and my heart gaping wide with perfect acceptance.
I am bursting to explore the infinite types of Love in existence as each new discovery becomes part of the true me. And so it was that I was able to wait no more, I sat down to mastermind my new script, and so it began…
“I knew I was done with this realm. I remember vaguely feeling my body collapsing beneath me.
The child was born on a cold wet day watched only by a bemused ally cat. He came onto the red planet screaming and upset, shielded only from the cold by dumpster 249, a small shiny blanket held up by his mother’s weary arms, and lastly by the few rays that broke through the dark sky from the three purple suns!
The mother looked gently down at him and began to cry when she saw an eternity of innocence escaping his eyes.”