Who am I ?
A complex schism
We all secretly hold this image inside us of who truly think we are .Most of our deepest beliefs we hold so dear, relating to our identity have been moulded at a very tender age. Romantically created at a time when the attractive ideals of goodness and chivalry still seep through our impressionable minds like cosmic smoke.
We all hold this golden image of what we believe our true soul’s identity and substance to be .We hold it so close that we see it as our true reality blueprint. We will seldom be able to share this blueprint with another individual. Eventually this personal truth will become an unseen stubborn held reality that will be a hidden force and energy. It will affect our entire lives regardless of our actions, tainting our awareness for a lifetime, allowing us to never accept and own our true nature in action.
As we continue through our lives and as our perceptions gradually get tainted and moulded, we begin to slowly develop new defence mechanism with the sole purpose of the preservation in the belief of our inner core.
Our souls gradually adapt to each situation with uncanny survival abilities. We develop incredible idiosyncrasies and reactive personality traits. These perceptual changes can sometimes get so complex, that from a societal stance they become conceived as dark.
There is a line we believe we will never cross, yet with each year that passes we unconsciously move the boundary, the taboo threshold. The actions and words we thought we would never embody. Yet this line, this moral evolution is a continual cycle of spiritual compromise. With each experience you develop your personality, your reactive cycles and your external nature. What you present the world changes each day without you being cognitively aware of the fact that you are losing touch with the inner core you began with, and ironically still identify as your true self (contemplate the evolution of Lex Luther)
No matter how far your words and actions stray and become tainted from your source, no matter how many times the light from the centre of your soul is coloured, refracted or redirected before it reaches the hologram of your external reality ,or the outside observers eyes . No matter what you are currently thinking or doing .Everybody continues to believe they are that original core, the core which to their belief system is acceptable.
Most people manage to justify themselves and switch off certain areas of awareness to help validate this ultimate falsity.
Never do they stop and look in the mirror and ask themselves, who am i opposed to who i think i am?
Instead when we have wronged another, or perhaps have people disappointed or upset with us, perhaps pointing out something about us they don’t like .We often find ourselves shocked at that person perspective or point of view . We find ourselves saying defensive things like “That is not who i am “or “you don’t know me at all! “
Do they have the wrong idea about you? Do they not know you at all? Perhaps it is you that does not know thyself? At least they are seeing what actions and words you are putting out there, and although tainted by their own experiences and perceptions, at least they are aware of your actions!
Why is it that you believe that you can lock the secret identity of your soul inside a safe? Why is it that you believe that your inner core is immune to the going on of your external reality? Why can we not see that thought, emotion and action define us? The greatest illusion in mans psychological history is the schism between who we think we are, and who we are.
Your true substance is the sum of all your experiences and choices. Your true nature your soul, infused and affected, it is evolving with each breath you take. Every single thought, choice and action feed and change elements of your soul. In nature the elements that are nourished and fed become strongest and survive, so in your soul, the parts of you that are starved gradually die out and become your fairytale.
Sometimes the people around you become the only mirrors that reflect the refractions of the tainted light escaping your soul back to you psychical eye and conscious mind .As scary as it seems, often the perspective people have of you (even the ones that despise you) are very often closest to third dimension reality .Closer to what truly is, closer than the fairytale that you silently whisper into your own ear at night.. Sleep my precious…
The person you believe yourself to be within, and the one you truly are without, gradually separate until this subtle lie becomes your own personal delusion!
Until you find the reflective strength and self love to stop the bus one day and climb out , walking around the outside of it ,observing from all angles for the first time .Until you can wean yourself from your daily addictive self talk, free yourself from the fairytale you tell yourself at night with your own forked tongue to feel safe . Until this time self awareness and personal truth cannot be found.
Until you can look at yourself with a multi angled view from all aspects. Until you’re aware of what others see, sense and feel in you. Until you’re aware of what you see sense and feel in others and can get them to correlate, before you can close this schism, merge these realities ,before this awareness cannot be found and personal truth will elude you.
Most of us are just carts that are been destroyed by two horses running in different directions completely unaware of one another. We need to accept what we truly are, who you truly are, with no lies fear or self protective illusions, else you cannot take a step forward.
Do you truly believe that Hitler thought he was evil? Can you not see that he held in his core so close to his heart who he truly thought he was. Some people just allow there schism to get so vast, some of us have pulled the safety wool so far over our own eyes that we cannot even see the road we are driving down. Many of our most complex characters in history have all pushed their level of compromise and justification of their core to such extreme levels of self delusion that it has echoed through time like ripples of insanity.
Can you not see that Robert Mugabe does not sit in front of the mirror thinking “you’re evil. “He feels justified whispering his fairytale talons of dark smoke into his own ear as he recklessly changes gears and blindly turns down the next road, smiling as he creates the next ripple. “You don’t understand me” he might think to himself as he drives over corpses.
You must be careful now, watch your thoughts and judgements. How are you any different? Do we not operate under the same misconceptions? Do you not have a forked tongue whispering into the ear of your own soul, and then blaming dark external forces when you crash? Perhaps these extreme cases exist to teach and show us the dangerous levels that our own personal identity lie can reach. Perhaps the reflections and awareness capabilities that these characters have given society has been priceless.
If you can quieten your internal talk, your lies, if you can wrestle your mighty ego down to expose the blueprint that has been hidden in the deepest recesses of your mind, to the consuming sunshine of true light. Then for the first time you will see what is, what truly is. What truly is and nothing else, nothing more and nothing less.
When this happens chances are you are really going to battle with what you see, you might even discover you were not even on the same highway you originally thought yourself to be on .Once you are far more aware of your true nature incredible growth can take place as you step out of the shadows of denial into the light of acceptance .You might suddenly realise that you have been carrying huge amounts of guilt around with you, feeling like you have constantly been letting yourself down. You might realise that your whole life has merely been a process of belief reinforcement and validation, constantly surrounding yourself by things to support you false identity. You might realise that your whole life was merely a process to reach acceptance of what is, what is beyond mans judgement.
Realising perhaps why you are always attracted to the people that you are, always feeding your false river . An example would be a belief systems that you are so afraid to let go of. You slowly begin to realise that most of your beliefs are there as safety nets.
Sadly most belief systems are tinged with fear constantly encouraging you to step back into the shadows of fairytale with the masses, living lives of guilt and judgement .We never stray far from our original concepts out of fear of reprisal and eternal punishment.
If you truly begin to understand your true essence, if you can empty yourself of all false beliefs, with no fear , no excuses or what ifs . Just true unconditional love of oneself a beautiful thing happens, Cathartic relief.
This catharsis might be extremely difficult in its own sense , but it will be a step towards true self awareness , no matter what you find in the shadows lingering deep .
Sit down for a second and contemplate this, 99 % of all mental and emotional pain comes from resistance, the stronger you resist the more it hurts. A lack of acceptance leads to pain. Did this person really hurt you? Or is it you lack of acceptance for what has happene. Are you a troubled soul or do you lack resistance to what is? Fear itself is a pain caused by lack of acceptance, a resistance to a moment or event, present past or future, a resistance to your chosen reality. Often when you accept whom and what you are, the acceptance and lack of resistance release so much pain that you find yourself healed of the affliction you were denying in the first place. Yet years of avoiding and trying to change that entity had never worked, acceptance is healing.
Mostly i hope that you can just truly look into the mirror some nights and ask yourself, “with my thoughts and actions of today… who does that make me? How does this coincide with who i think i am as a whole? “Do visualisation exercises were you look at yourself through strangers eyes; listen to yourself through another’s ears. What do you notice most about you? What do you hear most often in your words? There is a powerful gift and awareness to be had in realising how little you see of what simply IS .
Merge you truths, Draw your horses back together, do spot checks on the bus inside and out, choose the roads you ride down more cautiously .And if this essay was a little confusing, I ask you at least this .Wake up tom morning and for the first time in your life, get out of your past and your head. Switch your bullshit filter off for one day , and try and see what is , nothing more nothing less , only what is
Or close this essay now and ignore it ,chances are “you’re a good person”, and none of this applies